MY HUSBAND IS RUINING MY INFLUENCER CAREER

Y’all, hear me out.

If you have ever met my husband, Welton, you already know this man is funny as hell. Not “tells a good dad joke” funny. I mean quick-witted, completely inappropriate, where-the-hell-did-that-even-come-from funny.

My kids will tell you the same thing. The shit that flies out of this man’s mouth on a random Tuesday could probably get 3 million views on TikTok.

And yet here I am, trying to become the next 56- year old TikTok sensation, and the ONE PERSON in my house who could actually help me go viral refuses to cooperate.

My Instagram? Doing okay.

My TikTok? Apparently being personally suppressed by the Chinese government.

So naturally I decided Welton and I needed to become one of those funny husband-and-wife TikTok couples.

There is only one problem.

Welton watches TikTok.

A LOT of TikTok.

Which means every damn trend I find, this man has already seen.

Yesterday, however, I thought I finally had him.

There’s this trend where you hold a piece of paper over your husband’s head that says WIFE, but he can’t see what it says. Then you ask him questions like, “What a I to you?” and instead of saying “wife,” the husband starts naming ridiculous things.

You get the idea.

I make my little sign. I get my camera set up. I get Welton positioned. I am READY.

Spielberg could not have been more prepared.

I put the sign over his head.

And immediately he looks INTO THE CAMERA and says:

“I can see what it says.”

Well, DON’T LOOK AT THE CAMERA, WELTON.

Jesus Christ. Work with me.

So now my big surprise is already shot to hell, but I’m committed. We are making CONTENT.

Then he realizes which TikTok trend I’m trying to do.

And this man looks at me and basically says:

“I’m not doing this. I’ve already seen it on TikTok, and I don’t think it’s nice that these men say all those mean things about their wives.”

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

Since when did you become the chairman of the National Association for the Protection of Wives???

Because we have been together 13 or 14 years, and I would be DELIGHTED to pull some receipts from the archives.

Apparently Welton has rewritten our entire marital history and is now a feminist icon.

Then he WALKED OFF.

Just left my production.

No two-week notice. No discussion with management. Nothing.

So naturally, I posted the failed video anyway.

And here’s the irritating part:

The failure is funnier than the TikTok would have been.

Because that is Welton.

You cannot rehearse him. You cannot say, “Say that again.” The minute I ask him to repeat something hysterical he said five seconds earlier, suddenly he has the comedic timing of a hostage reading a prepared statement.

His funniest shit happens when nobody is recording.

So I have come to the conclusion that if I am serious about this influencer career, I am going to have to start wearing a GoPro strapped to my forehead 24 hours a day.

Imagine Welton coming home from work and I’m standing in the kitchen with a camera mounted to my skull.

Don’t mind me, honey.

Just documenting our marriage for monetization purposes.

Because I swear to y’all, if I could catch this man in his natural habitat, we could retire.

And for the record, don’t let Mr. “I would never say anything mean about my wife” fool you.

That man loves me.

That man would do anything for me.

But after 13 or 14 years together?

That man has said some shit.

And unfortunately for me, NONE OF IT WAS RECORDED.

Yet.