What People Give You Isn’t Always Yours to Carry

I saw something tonight that said:

“People give what they carry inside.”

And I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Maybe it’s the tonic talking 😂, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much of my life I have spent taking other people’s behavior personally.

If someone didn’t like me, I wondered what was wrong with me.

If someone left me out, I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be included.

If someone talked about me, I wanted to defend myself.

If someone was unkind to me, I carried it around much longer than the person who said it probably ever did.

And I think most of us do this.

We assume the way someone treats us must say something about us.

But what if it doesn’t?

What if sometimes it tells us far more about them?

A person who feels good about themselves usually doesn’t need to make somebody else feel small.

A person who is secure doesn’t have to compete with everybody in the room.

A person who is genuinely happy for you doesn’t have to find something wrong with every good thing that happens to you.

And somebody who is hurting may hand that hurt to other people without even realizing that’s what they’re doing.

That doesn’t excuse bad behavior.

Understanding why somebody behaves a certain way doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.

You can have empathy for someone and still have boundaries.

You can understand that somebody may be fighting battles you know absolutely nothing about and still decide they don’t get unlimited access to your life.

Those two things can exist at the same time.

I Wish I Had Understood This When I Was Younger

This is the part that really got me.

I wish someone had explained this to me when I was a kid.

When you’re young and somebody makes fun of you, excludes you, whispers about you, calls you names or makes you feel like you don’t belong, you don’t have the life experience to separate their behavior from your worth.

You think:

They don’t like me, so something must be wrong with me.

And if enough people make you feel that way for long enough, eventually you start believing them.

But imagine teaching a child something different.

Imagine saying:

“Before you believe what that person is making you feel about yourself, stop and wonder what might be happening inside of them.”

Maybe they’re insecure.

Maybe they’re desperate to fit in themselves.

Maybe they’re hurting.

Maybe they’re jealous.

Maybe nobody has ever taught them how to deal with whatever they’re feeling without hurting somebody else.

Again, none of that makes bullying okay.

But understanding it might take away some of its power.

Because suddenly the question changes from:

“What’s wrong with me?”

to:

“I wonder what’s happening with them?”

And those are two completely different ways to walk through the world.

Adults Need to Learn This Too

Because apparently we don’t graduate from this shit.

😂

We just get older.

Adults still gossip.

Adults still exclude people.

Adults still get jealous.

Adults still say things intentionally designed to hurt someone.

Adults still sit behind phones and type things they would probably never have the nerve to say standing three feet away from somebody.

And grown adults still lie awake at night wondering why somebody doesn’t like them.

Maybe that’s the part we need to stop doing.

Not everybody is going to like you.

Not everybody is going to understand you.

Not everybody is going to celebrate you.

And not every opinion about you deserves an investigation.

Sometimes you need to look at what somebody is trying to hand you and simply say:

That belongs to you. I’m not carrying it.

Your jealousy doesn’t belong to me.

Your anger doesn’t belong to me.

Your insecurity doesn’t belong to me.

Your bitterness doesn’t belong to me.

Your opinion of me doesn’t automatically become my opinion of myself.

And I think there is tremendous freedom in finally understanding that.

But Here’s the Other Side

Of course, because I can’t write something like this without turning the mirror around.

If people give what they carry inside…

What am I giving people?

That’s the uncomfortable question.

Am I encouraging people?

Do I celebrate somebody else’s success even when I’m struggling?

Do I make people feel included?

When I’m hurting, do I accidentally hurt somebody else?

When I’m insecure, does it come out as judgment?

When I’m angry, do I hand that anger to somebody who didn’t deserve it?

Because this can’t only be a lesson we use to explain everybody else’s behavior.

It has to make us examine our own.

Maybe we all need to pay a little more attention to what we’re handing people.

And maybe we need to be much more careful about what we accept from them.

Because I’ve lived long enough to know this:

People will hand you all kinds of things.

Love.

Kindness.

Encouragement.

Jealousy.

Judgment.

Anger.

Bitterness.

Support.

Their wounds.

Their opinions.

Their expectations.

But just because somebody hands you something doesn’t mean you have to carry it.

Some things were never yours in the first place.

And maybe learning the difference is part of growing up.

Or maybe that’s the Willie Nelson tonic talking.

Hell, I don’t know.

But I think Tonic Tammy might be onto something tonight. 😂🤣😂